Coming Out

Our thanks to BeLonGTo for providing us with this information

Am I Gay?
Coming Out to Others
How to Support a Friend Who 'Comes Out' to You
What does it mean to be Transgender?
What is Coming Out?

Am I Gay ?

Being gay or lesbian or bisexual is just as normal – and wonderful – as being straight.

Are you wondering if you’re gay?

Maybe you’re a guy who’s noticing how gorgeous some male celebrities are – you’re not interested in the female celebrities your friends are always going on about.
Maybe you’re a girl who’s got a huge crush on one of your female teachers.
Or, are you a guy or a girl who’s feeling attracted to both your male and your female friends?
Maybe you’re always felt different from your friends, and you’ve just realised that the word ‘gay’ might fit how you feel.
Maybe you’ve always known you were gay – and you’ve been feeling alone -- now you’re looking to meet other young people who are like you.

Being gay or lesbian or bisexual is just as normal – and wonderful – as being straight. It’s really great that you’re starting to understand your own feelings – that’s the most important thing. Take your time, there’s no need for you to be under any pressure to make decisions about this.

Coming out: This is the process of understanding your own feelings about who you’re attracted to. For some young people coming out can be confusing at first. Or you can sure of your own feelings, but nervous about being different.

Sexual orientation: Who we feel attracted to, whether it’s people of the same sex, another sex, or both.

Sexual identity: The group or community we feel part of, based on our sexual orientation, either Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Heterosexual.

Bisexual: Someone who is emotionally and sexually attracted to both males and females.

Gay: Someone who is emotionally and sexually attracted to people of the same gender. Gay is usually used to refer to males, lesbian to refer to females.

Lesbian: A female who is emotionally and sexually attracted to other girls/women.
Heterosexual/Straight: A person who is attracted to someone of another gender.

Note: Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is different from being transgender (see our section on Transgender). Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is about who we’re attracted to – being transgender is about how we feel about our own gender (being male or female).

What’s it like to be Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual?

In recent years, Ireland has changed a lot. There’s now a lot more people who are openly gay, lesbian and bisexual (LGB) who are living happy and fulfilled lives all around Ireland. Some live in long-term relationships with their partners. Some are bringing up children in families that are very like the majority of Irish families. Irish human rights laws mean that lesbian, gay and bisexual people now have the right to equality and cannot be discriminated against. There are more and more services and groups created by and for gay people – everything from sports groups to religious groups. Each year, on different weekend during the summer, parades and parties are held all around Ireland to celebrate Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride.

Coming Out to Others

Deciding to come out is a very personal choice, the best time is whenever feels best to you.

Although ‘coming out’ can occur in a variety of ways and settings, even when you least expect it we have compiled the following tips which might be useful for you if you are considering taking the plunge!

Ask yourself why you are coming out to a particular person or persons.
When you begin to come out to people, or when you have made some gay/bi/trans friends, you may experience excitement and elation – the ‘scream it from the roof tops’ feeling. Cherish this – you have everything to be proud of, but maybe not everyone needs to know your sexuality. Think about who you are planning or want to come out to. Is it a family member, a friend or an acquaintance? Do you need to come out to that person at this moment?
Timing
Although for many people there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ time to come out, planning exactly when you are going to tell someone is well worth thinking about. Are you going to have adequate time afterwards to discuss it further or to answer any questions the person may have? Will you have the full attention of the person or are they pre-occupied with something else?
Where to tell?
Location can be important too. To allow for conversation afterwards pick somewhere that will give you privacy with minimal risk of any interruptions. If it’s someone that you think may react favourably to your disclosure the location is probably less important. However, if you in any way expect negativity you are probably best sticking to a location where you feel safest.
Time To Digest
Remember that you have had time to think about what you want to say. The person you are telling has not. Depending on your relationship with them they may have suspected already, but even if this is the case it may still take time for it to sink in with them. Don’t automatically expect an extreme reaction either, the person you are telling may be slow to react. This could be because they fear offending or embarrassing you as much as anything else.
Resources
Having resources to hand is also useful. Have a look at the parents section on our site here for info for parents. Also please contact us and we can send you on more booklets.
Talk to others
Talk to other LGBT young people about the fears, expectations and reactions they experienced when coming out. Come along to one of our youth groups or call to talk to a youth worker. You can also use the forums on this site to get in touch!

How to Support a Friend Who 'Comes Out' to You

If a friend tells you they’re gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual don’t act as if this is wrong or strange. It’s not and you should accept their sexuality without prejudice.

How to Support an LGBT Friend

Be conscious of the fact that many LGBT people live in environments which are homophobic and transphobic and in which they constantly hear negative messages about LGBT people. This can make people quite fearful of how people may react to them coming out and fearful of potential rejection by friends and family.
You could make it easier for friends to come out to you by making it clear to all your friends that you are positive and respectful about LGBT people. For example, if they have heard you challenge homophobic comments or talk comfortably about LGBT issues and people, this could help to reduce any anxiety they have about coming out to you.
If a friend comes out to you, remember that the person has not changed. They are still the same person you knew before; you just have more information about them than you did before. They are still the same friend they have always been.
The fact that they have come out to you shows that you are important to them and that they trust you. Thank them for their trust and reassure them of your continued friendship and support. This is important as they may have been afraid that you might have rejected them and that they would lose you as a friend. Be the friend you have always been.
Try not to react badly, even if you have strong feelings about LGBT issues. If you judge your friend, or express disapproval, you will do nothing to change your friend’s identity but you will hurt them and make them feel rejected and uncared for. It is also important to remember the potential impact rejection by friends and family can have on the mental health and well being of LGBT people.
Offer your friend a hug – it would mean a lot to them.
You might feel hurt that they haven’t told you before, but try to remember the challenges and fears LGBT people often face in being able to be open about their identity.
Respect your friend’s privacy – it is up to them to decide if, when and how they tell other people.
Just because a friend has told you that they are LGB or T, don’t assume that this means that they fancy you.
Just because your friend is LGBT doesn’t mean that everyone will think you are.
You may be curious but be sensitive when asking questions. Don’t ask questions that would have been considered rude or inappropriate within your friendship before they came out to you.
Your friend my not want you to do anything. They may just need someone to listen and be positive.
Offer to support your friend in whatever way they need, for example support them in coming out to others or to their families. Help them to find information on local LGBT groups and offer to accompany them if they want to have a friend with them.
Learn more about LGBT issues and the LGBT community. This will help you to better understand and support your friend. But remember that everyone’s experience is different.
Continue to do what you have always done together. LGBT people often fear that coming out will change everything in their lives and this can be frightening. If you have always played football with your friend on Saturday, continue to do this.
Be a LGBT Ally. Challenge homophobic comments and attitudes and help to create LGBT friendly environments.
It’s never too late. If someone has come out to you before and you reacted badly, you can always contact them and try again.

What does it mean to be Transgender?

Transgender people have a way of expressing themselves, describing their gender, or gender identity (Knowing that you are a boy or girl) that doesn’t always fit society’s rules- that boys are boys and girls are girls.

What is Transgender?
Transgender, or Trans: means someone whose gender differs from the one they were given when they were born. Transgender people may identify as male or female, or they may feel that neither label fits them.

Transition: In order to express their chosen gender, transgender people may transition, or change, from the gender they were given at birth. They may change their names, pronouns or style of dress. Some transgender people also choose a medical transition, with the help of medical specialists, who will prescribe hormones and/or surgery.

Transsexual: a person who lives in a different gender to the one they were given when they were born. For example, someone who was called a ‘boy’ when they were born may feel very strongly that they are really a girl. They would be called a trans woman. If someone was labelled a ‘girl’ at birth, and they later realise that they are male, they would be called a trans man.

Gender Identity: a person’s internal feelings, and the labels they use, such as male, female, or transgender.

What does Gender mean to you?

Young people have lots of different experiences of gender:

For some, being male or female is something they don’t think about, it’s automatic.
Other young people feel pressure to measure up to what’s expected of them as male or female.
Lesbian, gay, and bisexual young people are often told that the only way to be a “real man” or a “real woman” is to be heterosexual/straight.
Some young people feel that male or female are labels that don’t work for them.
Other young people can feel like they want to change the gender they’ve been living in during their childhood.

Is Gender a Box?

In our society, there’s lots of stereotypes of how boys and girls are supposed to be:

Many people act like boys and girls are opposite to each other – completely separate and different.
Some people say that boys are supposed to like sports.
Girls can be expected to like pink and have long hair.
Girls and boys can be encouraged to go into certain types of jobs and not others.

Lots of us find ways to step outside these gender boxes, by wearing different clothes, liking different music, or doing a job that’s outside the norm. Trangender people are also dealing with these gender boxes. Some people feel like they don’t fit at all into the male or the female box, they might call themselves transgender. Some other people want society to be open when they completely change to the ‘opposite’ gender (transsexual people).

Note: Gender identity and transgender are different from sexual identity and lesbian, gay and bisexual. Sexual identity is about who you are attracted to; gender identity is about how you identify as male or female.

What is Coming Out?

Coming out is the process through which an LGBT person accepts their sexual orientation or gender identity as part of their overall identity. It not only refers to the process of self acceptance, but also to the act of sharing your identity with others.

Any LGBT person will tell you that Coming Out is not a once-off event. For many of us we find ourselves coming out in different ways throughout our lives. This is because people tend to presume you are straight unless told otherwise.

Having said that Coming Out for the first time - telling yourself and then telling the first person that you are LGBT is what we most often think about when we think of Coming Out.

It can make you feel really anxious - what will people think? Will I have to change completely? will my friends and family turn away from me?
Don't worry - for most people coming out is a positive experience, in fact many LGBT people look back at their coming out and say it is the best thing they ever did.